The Truth Is -I Wasn't Ready for IVF

The truth is -I wasn't ready for IVF...and here's why.

After suffering in silence for years because I wasn't strong enough to share my infertility to then surrendering to a truth I was reluctant to accept, I turned to IUI.

In those silent years I struggled with whether or not to turn to assisted reproduction for so many reasons.

One reason was God. 

Before we began seeking help I prayed and I told God that if He wanted me to have this -to have motherhood because it was what He intended for me -to please let this work. And with IUI life was given to me but then it was taken from me.

All of the peace I had made was gone

It felt like God was telling me "No," and rather than mourn and heal that huge piece of myself and my faith that died that day, I abruptly began IVF.

Since December 2018, I have not been myself and the truth is, I'm really scared
  • I was really scared this pregnancy wouldn't go full term before 12 weeks.
  • I was really scared our baby wasn't "normal" at 10 weeks
  • But now I'm really scared of bringing home a baby that might not feel connected to me. 
  • And I'm really scared of not knowing what to do all of the time
  • I'm also really scared of not being the mother I want to be or the mother my husband hopes I will be. 
  • And I'm really scared of completely losing myself because sometimes I still feel really alone. 
  • And... I'm still really scared that the hole in my heart will never close. 

IVF isn't easy -the financial aspect, the hormones, the stress and worry, the questioning and all of the pain and loss that leads you there.

For me, I got through IVF by completely numbing myself to everything -everything I thought, everything I felt -everything I went through

Coming out of that has been my biggest challenge. 

For a long time, I couldn't celebrate this pregnancy; pregnancy -the goal of all of my effort and pain.

In the past few weeks, my numbed emotions and the absent bereavement for my first baby have coupled together and suddenly arrived like an avalanche. And here I am, at the bottom of the mountain overwhelmed and consumed yet -trying to be happy.

-Because this was supposed to make me happy, right?

The truth is I wanted something that I couldn't have easily and that made me think detrimentally about motherhood altogether, preluding any actual loss.

And the truth is I'm such a small fraction of infertility and my pain and loss is even smaller than that.

But the truth also is, I am a representation of what so many of us must feel and go through but are too afraid to speak.

So am I happy? Yes -but, it wasn't the overwhelming happy I imagined pregnancy would bring me.

Because after living numb for so long, too afraid to feel anything -when you finally get what you've been wanting, you may not feel that either.Infertility robbed me of myself.

Two days shy of being 17 weeks pregnant, I can truthfully say I wasn't ready for IVF.

I moved too quickly into IVF naive to the overwhelming process that it was and it held me emotionally hostage for 6 months. And before I could get my head above water it released me with everything I had hoped and prayed for -a healthy baby.

So I do not regret my decision to move forward with IVF but, coming out on the other side of what I've been through has been a struggle in and of itself.

Shedding the stress, the worry, and the constant lying and hiding, has been a strange mental and emotional transition.

For so long I looked to pregnancy as my saving grace, as my avenue to freedom and happiness. What I didn't expect was to realize that pregnancy does not change my state of happiness, -I do (read more about my thoughts on that here).

I encourage others not to lose sight of themselves while focusing on creating life.

I will work through what I am going through and that is why I write -to get it out because my writing is always my truth.

Sending love and prayer to all suffering in silence, suffering through loss, or suffering through their avalanche.