10 Weeks Update

It's been 5 weeks since I last made a blogpost and a lot has happened in those 5 weeks.

Where should I start?

I got a new job as an HR Assistant working for a friend that's the HR Manager ~great, right? Yeah it is really great except for the fact that during my first week I unknowingly had laryngitis!? I was absolutely miserable! At the time, I called it the worst week of my pregnancy (~6/7 weeks).

After completely losing my voice to the point that only a whisper of sound could be produced requiring tremendous effort and resulting in end of the day total depleting exhaustion, I ended up going to see a doctor and was diagnosed with laryngitis. I was given (pregnancy safe) antibiotics and didn't leave my house for 3 entire days and slept more than any human ever should (like-I think I got bedsores... just kidding) but, I finally got better.

But the absolute best day of my pregnancy (thus far) was also unfortunately the worst day of my pregnancy.
At our 10 week appointment, this past Tuesday, I saw what finally looked like a real baby during our ultrasound. Before, there was always a blob and I kinda felt silly not knowing what I was looking at (the baby or the sac...?) so I just trusted whatever the doctor told me. This time~I saw arms and legs and my baby was moving!!! I remember thinking it looked like it was dancing just squirming around so much. I've never seen anything more perfect or more beautiful. I was truly in awe and that moment was the purest form of happiness that I have ever felt.

Unfortunately the moment ended soon after during our follow-up consult when the doctor said she detected "fluid" in the baby's abdomen cavity. Immediately I panicked ~something's wrong, what does that mean, is my baby going to be okay...? I had so many questions and so many thoughts in one instant ~I can't do this again, I can't lose another baby, maybe God is telling me this really just isn't for me, how will I continue in life never being a mom...???


I was absolutely shattered. Today was our final appointment with our fertility specialist and we were being released to our regular OBGYN, this was supposed to be a huge milestone in our IVF journey.

My husband and I sat there completely confused, not understanding the severity (or lack of) of what the doctor was saying and it seemed that she didn't have any of the answers herself. She is the same doctor who has been with us for over a year, who was with me through my miscarriage, who performed my D&C, and who cried and held my hand -and now, she was telling me she was "concerned" so, I trusted there was reason for me to be concerned.

She rushed us to see a high risk doctor at another hospital that same day hoping they'd be better able to answer our questions however, that doctor painted quite a different picture for us.

The high risk doctor really did calm a lot of our nerves but there was still a lot that went unanswered. Her assessment concluded that although "fluid" in the abdomen of the baby would be deemed abnormal, she could not definitively state that our baby was in a state of abnormality. At only 10 weeks a fetus is going through so many changes and developments that include and impact their intestines, bladder, and so many other organs that it was too early to determine what exactly was being detected as "fluid." She advised that we wait until we were at least 12 weeks along before truly being concerned and she referred us to a fetal center nearby.

In one day, my world was complete when I existed in pure joy and happiness and then, all of that was taken from me but then, it was given right back to me....  Although I was relieved the conflicting opinions left me unsure of what and who to believe or trust.

We have scheduled our appointment with the fetal center at 12 weeks and 2 days and pray that our baby is just as perfect as the last time we saw it.

~Something I journaled the night of our long and emotional day:

Tomorrow I will be exactly 10 weeks pregnant and my expected due date is December 18, 2019 exactly one year to the day of when my first baby left me.

I cried when I saw you moving so much on the screen today. 
I was in awe of you, 
a little miracle inside of me. 

I cried again because I so badly want to keep you and know you, 
and so quickly all of the love I have for you 
is at the forefront of my being
-and thinking 
there's any possibility of you being taken away from me 
actually kills a really big piece of me. 

So I pray to God, 
to know you 
and... 
to hear you say "Mommy" 
one day. 

I love you so much. 

God, please don't take away another baby from me. 







Comments

  1. Prayers and love your way. I hope you get what you have been dreaming for.

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