I Have Loved You MORE
Do you know how hard it is to be really honest with yourself?
-....this hard (keep reading).
For the last 6 months I've spent so much time mad at my husband I kinda forgot I loved him at all.
I even said the "D" word... a lot.
My postpartum depression and anxiety was in high gear and that word seemed like the only way to end our fighting -because having a baby made us ugly fight!
Really though -it was just a word. I didn't mean it but it was the only word harsh enough to equate to the feelings of anger and frustration I had as a new parent.
Being a nurturing mother came pretty naturally to me but being a nurturing wife did not (CLEARLY). As a nurturing new mother I so readily put my baby above all else that, if it meant I had to lose my marriage, I would -so I thought in my heated moments of anger.
There's a saying...
"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."
-It's true. As equally as true as the most important thing a mother can do for her children is to love their father.
And...I was failing miserably.
-That's the hard type of honesty required for you to make a true difference in any part of your life.
Of course it is important to love your children but ultimately your marriage comes first, then your kids. When children are the center of your marriage, intimacy and true marital issues are easily avoided.
For me, bringing home a baby for the first time tested me in so many ways -it tested my patience, my communication, and mostly my commitment and kindness to my husband.
A good friend recently told me (of her and her husband)... - "I wish I had given him the grace he gave me when I needed it."
(To my good friend: I hope you're reading this... and I love you).
In our tested moments which consumed the greater part of the past 6 months, anger so quickly stripped me of patience, kindness and understanding. I was everything but loving.
It was so easy to stay in my anger and validate my feelings by recounting his "wrong doings" over and over. It was so easy to criticize him. It was so easy to believe I had done nothing wrong. It was so easy to believe he needed to change.
AND it was so easy to keep sulking and holding unspoken expectations against him.
-And so, the "D" word came out.
It made me feel superior -which sounds so silly but when you fight, the ego (idea of "self") is weighted a bit heavier -even if subconsciously.
Another argument would come and go but we (as a couple) were making no improvement. We were not more patient, more kind, more understanding, more loving or more open-minded with one another.
When we talked about having another child, inside I would think -how can we manage another baby when we can't even get along with 1?
I felt selfish.
The same kind of selfish I felt when I decided to seek fertility treatment. The same kind of selfish I felt when I learned I had 9 healthy embryos. The same kind of selfish I felt when I couldn't give up on becoming a MOM.
Now -as a mom, am I selfish? Yes, I am -but not as a mother.
I am selfish as a wife.
For the last 6 months I've spent so much time staying mad at my husband that I failed to look for a solution -that is selfish. I said the "D" word not because I meant it but because it was easy -that is selfish. I've been impatient, unkind, unloving and poor in communicating my true feelings -that is selfish.
It's as if I've been waiting to watch us crumble. So that I could say, ..."see I told you so."
-To whom? To myself? To my husband? To my ego?
For all of his "wrongdoings" I recount -how many of my own have I tallied?
I thought of my son and what he deserves from me as a mother. I found myself saying words like patience, kindness, unconditional love and understanding. Why was my husband any less deserving of those words?
I had that ah-ha moment that changed everything and I remembered why wanting to be a mother was and is the most selfless love I've ever desired or experienced.
Because I love them both more... more than myself.
So much so that...
-I craved to know the love they would share as father and son.
-I craved to give them the gift of one another.
-I craved to love them both.
-I crave to give them more of that love with another child.
To my husband: I have loved you more for so much longer than the last 6 months. I have craved our love my entire life. I have loved you more always.
To my son: I have loved you more for so much longer than your own life. I have craved your life. I have loved you more always.
I have loved you both more always.