Being Pregnant Doesn't Cure Infertility
Before that, I was prepared to try more than one time. I was prepared to get my hopes up. I was prepared for a long journey.
After that, I wasn't prepared for two pregnancies so close together. I wasn't prepared for jumping into IVF so quickly, and I was never prepared for losing a child.
The emotions of infertility can stick with you
long after you get what you hoped for:
Since 2015 I have been silencing the emotions of infertility deep inside. It wasn't until I became pregnant (for the second time) that I began sharing my story. I began sharing because I realized that unfortunately pregnancy didn't fix everything like I hoped.
Being infertile wasn't just an absent cycle and lack of ovulation for me. Being infertile was shame, fear, and heartbreak over and over. So many people around me talked about trying in front of me so many times but unaware of what I was struggling with. I always walked away never offering my input because for a long time we couldn't try -there was no point to. That broke me and hindered my voice.
I feared it was true...
-I would never have kids
and those were words I wasn't willing to speak.
Everything was dark and daunting and all I could do was hide behind a smile.
When we finally began working with our current fertility doctor and had so much success I wanted to be happy but I wasn't. Everything I wanted and hoped for for so long was given to me -why was that not enough?
It wasn't enough because I wasn't enough. For years I had been internally tearing myself apart, blaming myself, doubting God, losing faith and losing hope.
I was broken each time I became pregnant, so much so that
I couldn't even be happy.
I was stuck in the emotions of my infertility: the pain, the fear, the constant protecting of myself that instead hollowed my heart.
IVF worked for us this time and I'll be bringing home our baby boy in the next week or so. I am blessed and beyond grateful for that miracle. But that doesn't mean it's guaranteed to work again. What if this was the only child I was destined to birth? What if only one child is God's plan for me?
Being pregnant doesn't cure infertility.
I came into this community of infertility to offer support. I've shared my pain not to be despairing but to respect the experience of infertility and to connect with others suffering the same. Our treatment plans, our stories, and our timelines will most definitely differ but the emotional experience that is where we are all the same.
My advice to anyone struggling or waiting for their miracle is, stay whole, keep your faith and hope, and...
Trust God -even when it hurts,