39 Weeks & A Look Back at My Pregnancy
I started this post with the intention of listing each and every symptom I experienced by trimester. We all experience pregnancy so differently so what really was the point of that?
Instead, as I looked at maternity photos particularly of my belly I began thinking of all of the things I would miss about being pregnant.
In my first pregnancy, though it ended sooner than expected, I journaled a lot. I wrote letters to my baby. I was so connected to him/her so early on. After the pain and emotional trauma of miscarriage, I feared that pain happening again so deeply that I didn’t write letters to my son.
I wish I had.
Struggling to allow myself to open up to that same love took months; more than I expected but it never reduced the love I have and have had the entire time.
So to my son,
Almost 9 full months we’ve been together, 9 full months of me carrying you within me which so symbolically matches the way in which I’ll carry you with me forever, even when you are no longer inside of me.
There’s so much we’ve experienced together so far.
I remember the first time I felt you move. Everyone explained that feeling as a flutter but I felt what I thought was gas (sorry there's not a more accurate or glamorous way to explain that). Eventually after a minute or so I felt that same bubbly feeling traveling across a tiny part of my stomach and realized there was no gas.
It was YOU!
Sitting in the middle of a training at work I wanted to shoot up from my seat and scream...
“I felt my baby!”
Afterward your movements got stronger and very soon your dad could feel you move when he put his hand on my belly. He talks to you at night and rubs his hands over you telling you the things he hopes to teach you. Every morning he wakes up and kisses both of us and asks me how “we” slept.
At night when you’re not moving and I want Dad to feel you, he tells me that you’re probably already sleeping and I shouldn’t wake you. He loves you so much already and he sometimes pretends you’re already here. He walks into your room and calls your name as if he’s practicing his “dad voice.”
I drink chocolate milk every morning and if your increased movements afterward are a sign of satisfaction then, you absolutely LOVE chocolate milk because you become a wiggle worm.
I pray every night thanking god for you and I ask that he protect us while we sleep.
You move the most for me in the evenings and usually when I first lay in bed. Sometimes you move the most in the middle of the night but I don’t mind because it let’s me know you’re there. I’m going to miss that physical feeling and also the reassurance of you being there inside of me. I’ve wondered a few times if I’ll feel empty without you in my womb but I know that the love I’ll feel once you’re here will be so fulfilling that emptiness couldn’t be possible.
My sweet son, you are so love beyond measure.
Your have two older cousins who are so excited to meet you. One is five and the other is eight. They constantly ask questions about you like when you’ll learn to walk and talk, and they wonder how you’ll pronounce their names or if you’ll be able to. Their innocent love is so moving and has been one of my favorite experiences with you and because of you.
Getting your room together has made our house a home. It is one of my favorite rooms because of that... -because of you. The first time we walked into a baby store to buy something for you I cried.
You became so real in that moment.
The thought that
I would get to hold you
outside of my body
and dress you,
and kiss you,
and touch you...
-it was overwhelming.
I have loved everything about you for 9 months and I promise to keep loving everything about you for the rest of my life and the rest of yours.
We look forward to wrapping you in the arms of our love very soon. I look forward to so much and to so many more favorite memories with you.
Be love and be loved my sweet son.