Turning 34 Tomorrow...

-And here's a list of things I've googled this week:

1.) How not to lose your self-identity when becoming a new mom?

2.) Are tattoos pregnancy safe (like getting a new one)?

3.) Is my belly button turning into an outie?

The day I turned 33 I woke up with the thought "is this it"? Is this all I have to live for? The same routine? Another year had passed and what did I have to show for it? What had I done in that year of life that I had never done before? -Nothing. 

My soul was craving to feel alive...

-I was craving to feel alive. 

So I went skydiving; it was my second time. The first time was for my 30^th birthday. That time I felt a rush of adrenaline, of excitement, of joy. 

The second time I felt the terrifying fear that I had the first time but then, I felt... -nothing.

Before I jumped I was numb. I was numb because I was pretending that the pain I felt inside wasn't there.

My heart was full of love but it craved a different love. 

I craved a love for the child of the man I loved.

I felt it so strongly and it felt like the only way I could love him any more -and it hurt.

It hurt everyday not being able to fulfill that desire.

When I got on the plane, I was the only tandem jumper. All the others were jumping alone, and some jumping more than once that day.

When we landed I asked my instructor,

"So all those people on the plane, they do this for fun?"

He answered, "Yeah… isn't that why you did it?"

That's when I realized how desperate of an attempt I was making yet again to mask and avoid everything inside of me.

I found something I wrote before I turned 30 this morning as I was cleaning old emails and files.  

Ironically it was written one year to the day before our wedding. I have a thing for synchronicities like that (i.e.: our baby's due date being the exact day a year later from our miscarriage). 

***

Thursday, August 6, 2015

"At the wakening moment of this morning, as my eyes opened, and although I do not recall my dream, I recall my wakening thought. It was as if life literally flashed before my eyes prospectively 20 years into the future, making me almost 50.

In that moment, the realization that ‘this was it,’ overwhelmed me.

This was all that life had in store for me. Life was going to be waking up to a daily routine to start the beginning of each day with the single goal of making it work on time, all so that I could ultimately make a financial income so that I could purchase things –probably the bull shit things in the aisles of Target and other places I go to waste time/money (anyone else go to Target to "clear your mind" aka when you're mad at your husband?). 

Life was going to pass by really fast from now until then, and things would probably occur in between that would be really cool, like kids/family, etc. but, for the most part regardless of the in between from now until then, this -this feeling, this routine would be constant. 

-And that sucks.

I went to work that morning and sunk back into the god awful uncomfortable chair at my cubicle, which I swear was pancaking my ass. It seemed impossible to have a desire, to have a dream, or to have a heart-rending passion that instead of pursuing you choose to have a career so you can purchase bullshit at Target."

***

Reading that I sat there in disbelief of how freightingly accurate I was then, and how so much of that still applied to me 3 years later.

My strongest fears exactly one year ago were: the fear of going against God's will and His time (our infertility struggle), and the fear that... 

I would never accomplish my dreams. 

Combined, over the years those two fears have caused me depression, sadness, and a lesser will for life. I lived without passion, miserably for a long time. 

Last year, driving home after skydiving was the day I decided to finally move forward with fertility treatments.  

I used to think that I couldn't do both; I couldn't be both a great mother and pursue my dreams. Now I think that I can, and if I can't - it's worth (at least) trying.

My wise friend, Lynda (also my counselor for 10+ years) always says that any amount of anxiety, stress, depression, illness, or physical ailment, is your body, mind and soul conspiring against you.

Life is making you aware that something needs to change. 

So rather than focusing on the ailment -whatever it may be, take the opportunity to grow, to change, or to understand and adjust to your truest desires in life.

My 33rd year of life resolved one of my greatest fears and brought me two of my greatest blessings -both of my children. 

My wish for 34 is to adjust my life around my truest desires.

Cheers to 34!