Do I have Antepartum Depression...?

I recently read about antepartum depression.

I personally have struggled with depression for over 10 years.
So, do I have antepartum depression?

-Probably.

There are some days when I'm not myself -I can feel the disconnect. I exist somewhere else those days but I think my soul wants to be there -wherever that is. So, I let it.

I sit in that place, as if I'm sitting on a cloud hovering over the past year of my life feeling each event as if it was brand new and happening all over again -and feeling all of the pain for the first time.

That is how I would describe my depression.

Some days that cloud holds me tight, other days it's looser and it moves quick.

The past two days it was tight.

Sometimes I think I write better when I am on that cloud and in its grip. Today I am seeing past the cloud. My laughter is coming back over the small things. I smile more without realizing that I am.

The clouded days ~those days I don't even smile at my husband. He says "You're not yourself today," but he continues to love me anyway. I've never understood that.

So much of his light and brightness is a huge part of him. How can I drown in darkness and still be loved by brightness?

I've been this way for so long. I wish it would go away. I wish it was something I could control. On a clouded day someone asked how I was and I thought to myself, "I'm just me..." -because me meant so much of what they don't see but so much of what I do see.

I was happy a year ago, when everything I wanted was so far away.

Everything from then to now is so heavy. My soul is weighted and I carry that with me everyday, making happiness not so easy anymore.

Some days waking up to repeat the same day I lived yesterday, and the same one I'll live tomorrow -is the hardest thing I have to convince myself to do -to just wake up and get out of bed.

I hope for brighter days.

I hope I smile more.

Please note: 

I write to get the sadness out. I am true and raw in my feelings and in my creativity -I do not filter my words because as they are expresses my truest emotion -and to me that is art. Writing is my safe place. I have seen a counselor for over 10 years, I practice mindfulness and meditation as well as cognitive therapies I've learned over the years. I do not encourage depressive mindsets or harmful thoughts to or by anyone. If you feel depressed or are suffering any trauma or crisis I encourage you to seek the proper help and treatment. Life is a beautiful thing and you deserve living that (see below for resources and links). 

~There are brighter days ahead.~

To find help click here.

To read more about depression click here.

To read more about maternal mental health and depression click here.

I encourage you to also read more about the Anxiety and Depression Association of America here.