A Mother Lost Her Child

  • I've learned so much about myself and about miscarriage through my own miscarriage
  • I've learned that I didn't give myself time to mourn a child I loved, my child. 
  • I've learned that I feel pain lifetimes beyond this lifetime
  • I've learned that no woman who loses a child will ever be the same
  • I've learned that there is trauma in miscarriage because miscarriage means a mother lost her child and everything she envisioned for herself as a mother
  • I've learned that men mourn their fatherhood too.
  • I've learned that to be in a place where I don't need to fight anymore but I am -is my response to my trauma. 
  • I've learned that I am fighting to honor my first child while trying to make room in my heart for the child I carry now
  • I've learned that I have mom guilt for being pieced apart by devastation and attempting to replace that pain with another child

How is it that I can go on still broken from you trying to love another of you?

God's given me His blessing but still I question...am I whole enough to love another?

Reasoning away the trauma of miscarriage doesn't acknowledge the fact that:

mother lost her child

She lives with that forever. The lost child. The pain of that memory. The unfulfilled love she felt the moment she found out she was pregnant as it came to an abrupt end.

A switch was turned off on her motherhood.

-and whether she'll experience it again or not, she will never be the same 

  • I've learned that as I continue to mourn my first child even while I carry my second, others just don't get it.
  • I've learned -that's okay.

To my sweet child 
inside of me,
I hadn't written to you and I am sorry

I have struggled to... 

-To open up to you because 
the thought of losing you too... 
there would be 
nothing left of me

Foolishly believing any "guard" of mine 
will protect me 
from the pain of losing you, or 
-from feeling the 
unbearable amount of love 
I have for you

You are the kind of love 
that kills. 
You kill a part of me 
-but only to rebirth me 
from my old self 
into your 

Will you teach me well my child?

Teach me to love again.

Teach me 
the ability to love you 
all of your siblings
whether they are here 
or gone.