To All My Infertility Mammas
I recently shared my infertility story but not before I felt I was in a place to finally celebrate my struggle. To be honest though, my struggle is only a mere fraction of what others have experienced or of what others are still experiencing.
Before now, I wasn't strong enough to share and I wasn't strong enough to endure the painful stories of others. A lady in an IVF support group just posted that she experienced her 7th IVF failure yesterday.
The truth is... She is the strong one.
There was a point where I began to accept a child-free life.
There was a point where although it was not what I had planned for myself, I accepted God's plan for me.
There was a point where, if I never felt the love of my child, I knew that the love I exeprienced for and from my husband would be enough, because at least I had him.
There was also a point where I hated him because he was more able than I was, to accept a reality I felt we were being forced to accept.
There was a point where I lied to him -often, because I wasn't okay but I was trying so desparately to be.
But then, there was a point where I couldn't go on knowing I hadn't given everything of myself, my time, and my body to the possiblity of knowing my children.
And then, there was a point when our dreams finally came true.
But, there was also a point when our dreams came to a crushing end.
There was a point when I was so mad at God that I cursed Him, yelled at Him, and blamed Him.
But then, there was a point when Hope took over and nothing else mattered.
For a long time, I felt my story wasn't worthy of sharing because I felt like it wasn't enough... -enough heartache, enough loss, enough of anything compared to what I know to exist for so many.
What I've learned is this: none of that matters.
These women embrace me, they want to hear my success because it gives them hope.
Hope -something so easily fleeting after so much loss, so much pain yet they still find a way to have hope.
I used to think we were united in our shared pain no matter how big or small but now I know that what truly unites us is the unwavering hope we share deep in our hearts despite our pain.
Hope is the most truthful part of infertility.
I continue to pray and have hope for those who may be at a point where the pain feels too heavy.
-I pray that Hope takes over soon.