#2

Monday, April 1, 2019 we had our first IVF transfer. We transferred what was determined to be our healthiest embryo, embryo #2. Fitting because this is truly our second baby.

Day 2 post transfer I am beginning to feel "ovulation" cramps and I am hoping those are implantation cramps.

Before our transfer I began a post titled, Everything to Know About IVF and I realized I was focused on conveying a sense of overwhelmingness to whoever was reading. Why was that so important to me? Did I want to discourage them, or make them feel as if they would be in over their head?

-No.

That was the opposite of what I wanted.

What I wanted in that moment was to feel validated in all of my emotions, in everything I had been through, and in everything I am still going through.

IVF is not easy but, it is not impossible.

What I was searching for was for someone to tell me this: You are strong and you are so deserving of this. 

Since the start of IVF and even before, it has felt like I've been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Going to an unfulfilling job every day just to maintain my health benefits and miminal income, impacting my work schedule and personal life with frequent less-than-convenient doctor's appointments that can fall any day of the week (yes, even on a Saturday at 7am), physically sacrificing and exploding my body with hormones, hoping not to offend anyone because sometimes shutting everyone out is easier to cope, all while trying to disguise myself as "okay" on the surface when beneath it all, I was a hormone-induced, emotionally-erratic mood swing waiting to erupt.

That was the overwhelmingness of IVF I wanted to tell you about.

But...what's important for me to tell you is that you can do this! 

But I also need to tell you that not everyone is going to understand and in some cases, family, friends, even coworkers may find reason to be personally offended by how you cope or navigate this journey. But, none of that matters. 

This is your journey, Momma. 

And you are one heck of a Momma already because I know that you wake up every morning and your first thought is of your child, and you go to sleep every night with them as your last thought and you pray to meet them one day. And you are willing to make whatever sacrifice to your own well-being and physical body just for the opportunity of giving them life. 

And most importantly, I need to tell you that, that is worth it! 

Seeing my husband stare at the ultrasound photo from transfer in awe with hope and love in his eyes and in his gentle smile and heart, imagining that we may get to hold them one day ~ there's no better feeling.


So, to our #2, settle yourself inside of me well. Mommy and Daddy are so excited to meet you.


-Love Mommy